2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than
satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy phucks.
11. People in the 70s couldn't phuck unless there was a wild guitar
solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take
his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the
girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of chit out of
you if you shove your clock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a
woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patient's diks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best
friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before ****ing the
both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's dik, it's important for him
to remind her to "suck it".
26. azzholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating in a woman's butt is a satisfying result for
all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a
man's trousers and find a clock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one
hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than
satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy phucks.
11. People in the 70s couldn't phuck unless there was a wild guitar
solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take
his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the
girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of chit out of
you if you shove your clock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a
woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patient's diks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best
friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before ****ing the
both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's dik, it's important for him
to remind her to "suck it".
26. azzholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating in a woman's butt is a satisfying result for
all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a
man's trousers and find a clock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one
hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
mixtape is up to 7 now
adam is up to 33
wheee.
]]>Girlfriend application
What is your name?
____________________________
1. What is your age?
a) eighteen or under
b) 494 to 520 fourthnights
c) 1040 to 1092 days
d) 183960 hours or higher
2. Height?
a) 1524 or lower
b) 1524 to 1676 mm
c) 1676 to 1829 mm
d) 1829 mm or higher
3. How accurate is that you height measurement?
a) +- 25.4 mm
b) +- 12.7 mm
c) +- 3.175 mm
d) +-.005 mm I used a micrometer.
4. Hair color?
a) Blond
b) Black
c) RGB=..5C4033
d) I cant say exactly my colorimeter is in the shop.
5. Eye Color?
a) brown
b) green
c) blue
d) Like I said my colorimeter is in the shop.
6. What is the highest math class you have completed?
a) vector calculus
b) linear algebra
c) complex analysis
d) topology
e) I finish all the math class my college offers so Im taking them twice.
7. What calculator do you own?
a) Ti-83
b) Ti-86
c) Ti-84+ SE
d) Ti 89 titanium
e) Ti 89 titanium but mines overclocked
8. How many functions of your calculator do you know how to use?
a) 50%
b) 80%
c) 90%
d) 100% and Im bothered that it cant calculate the gamma of a number.
9. How many functions does your watch have?
a) 2
b) 5
c) 9
d) 37 and growing
10. How long have you had the internet?
a) 6 months now
b) A year or so
c) 5 years
d) Prenatally
e) Preconception
11. How many hours do you spend on the internet per day?
a) 1
b) 2
c) 4
d) 8
e) 16
12. What is the best search engine?
a) Google
13. If someone showed you the number 65,536 what would think?
a) It has two fives and two sixes.
b) It prime factorization is 2^16
c) It the largest number that can be stored in a dword variable.
14. How what is the flow rate when you drink beer?
a) .01253 cubic feet a minute
b) .02507 cubic feet a minute
c) .05013 cubic feet a minute
d) You already knew that 1 beer/min is .012553 ft^3/min so this question was easy.
15. What time do you go to bed?
a) Midnight
b) 1:00
c) 2:00
d) 3:00
e) I dont sleep
16. What do you eat usually for breakfast?
a) cereal
b) pop-tarts
c) I dont know I sometimes forget to eat breakfast
d) I pull all nighters so for me just a really really late dinner.
17. What is the hardest class you have taken?
a) complex analysis
b) English
c) Literature
d) Art history
18. Have you used any of the following words in normal conversation (check all that apply)
a) Convergent
b) Paradoxically
c) Involute
d) Quantumatively
19. Have you very called a certain shape parabolic or elliptical?
a) no
b) yes
c) yes and I have called things hyperbolic too.
20. How what languages do you know?
a) English
b) Mathish
c) Basic
d) C++
e) C
f) Z80 assembly
g) All of the above except the first.
21. What is your non-technical vocabulary?
a) 20,000 words
b) 10,000 words
c) 1,000 words
d) 0 words, I never go out of character
22. When describing an car accident to police officer have you ever said Well you see the union of the set of all points in a car A and the set of all points in car B resulted in non-null set.
a) No
b) Yes
c) Yes and I was serious.
23. Do you know any of the following things about your computer: clock speed, FSB speed, hard drive latency, CDR write speed, AGP speed or the numbers of CPU pins?
a) One or two
b) Two to three
c) All of them
d) All of them plus I have a program to monitor them
24. How quick can you fix a blinking 12:00 on a VCR?
a) 5 minutes if I have the instruction manual
b) 5 minutes without the manual
c) 2 minutes because you have already committed all your manuals to memory
d) 30 sections because you have so much practice from fixing other people VCRs.
25. I you can in to a room I had the TV in a thousand pieces would you say?
a) What are you doing you broke the TV
b) You better put that back together again
c) Wow the insides of a TV are interesting
d) Dont bother Ive already took it apart
26. How quick can you find that this is a sex joke? Integral(2xdx,10,13)
a) 10 seconds with a piece of paper
b) 10 seconds without a piece of paper
c) 5 seconds
d) 2 seconds
e) 0 seconds I already know that joke and have used it before.
27. How much would you mind if I go to bed with my clothes for the next day on.
a) Thats just weird
b) Ok but only if you dont have any pajamas
c) Its an simple optimization of a process, why shouldnt you
28. How much would you mind if I wrote you a love note and it contained set notation?
a) I would prefer you used just regular English words.
b) I would be indifferent
c) {(me, you) | me<3you} is so cute!!
29. Would you mind if in the middle of making out I said Ah thats why my design didnt work. I forgot to take into account the thermal expansion along the tran-axial thrust bearing
a) Yes we were in the middle of making out
b) No you are a engineer and you have to do your job
c) No and I would get your reference book and look up the thermal expansion coefficient for you.
30. How would you rate yourself on the hotness scale?
a) 5
b) 6
c) 7
d) 8
e) 9
f) Do you want that in binary or in hexadecimal
A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company.
1. The next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of first name) and last name put on them. If someone takes your checkbook, they will not know if you sign your checks with just your initials or your first name, but your bank will know how you sign your checks.
2. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put "PHOTO ID REQUIRED".
3. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the "For" line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won't have access to it.
4. Put your work phone number on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box, use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your social security number printed on your checks. You can add it if it is necessary. But if you have it printed, anyone can get it.
5. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or abroad. We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards.
Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have firsthand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:
1. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them.
2. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
But here's what is perhaps most important of all:
3. Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.
By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away. This weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks.
Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet, etc., when it has been stolen:
1.) Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
2.) Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
3.) Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
4.) Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271
We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything. But if you are willing to pass this information along, it could really help someone that you care about.
]]>
I gots it from here: http://www.bbspot.com/News/2005/01/top_11_geek_break_up_lines.html
Dear Friends,
OK, it sucks. Really sucks. But before you go and cash it all in, let's, in the words of Monty Python, "always look on the bright side of life!" There is some good news from Tuesday's election.
1. It is against the law for George W. Bush to run for president again.
2. Bush's victory was the narrowest win for a sitting president since Woodrow Wilson in 1916.
3. The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults (Kerry: 54 percent; Bush: 44 percent), proving once again that your parents are always wrong and you should never listen to them.
4. In spite of Bush's win, the majority of Americans still think the country is headed in the wrong direction (56 percent), think the war wasn't worth fighting (51 percent), and don't approve of the job George W. Bush is doing (52 percent). (Note to foreigners: Don't try to figure this one out. It's an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)
5. The Republicans will not have a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority in the Senate. If the Democrats do their job, Bush won't be able to pack the Supreme Court with right-wing ideologues. Did I say "if the Democrats do their job?" Um, maybe better to scratch this one.
6. Michigan voted for Kerry! So did the entire Northeast, the birthplace of our democracy. So did six of the eight Great Lakes states. And the whole West Coast! Plus Hawaii. OK, that's a start. We've got most of the fresh water, all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in lava. And no more show tunes!
7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any old nut – a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut.
8. Eighty-eight percent of Bush's support came from white voters. In 50 years, America will no longer have a white majority. Hey, 50 years isn't such a long time! If you're ten years old and reading this, your golden years will be truly golden and you will be well cared for in your old age.
9. Gays, thanks to the ballot measures passed on Tuesday, cannot get married in 11 new states. Thank God. Just think of all those wedding gifts we won't have to buy now.
10. Five more African Americans were elected as members of Congress, including the return of Cynthia McKinney of Georgia. It's always good to have more blacks in there fighting for us and doing the job our candidates can't.
11. The CEO of Coors was defeated for Senate in Colorado. Drink up!
12. Admit it: We like the Bush twins and we don't want them to go away.
13. At the state legislative level, Democrats picked up a net of at least three chambers in Tuesday's elections. Of the 98 partisan-controlled state legislative chambers (house/assembly and senate), Democrats went into the 2004 elections in control of 44 chambers, Republicans controlled 53 chambers, and 1 chamber was tied. After Tuesday, Democrats now control 47 chambers, Republicans control 49 chambers, 1 chamber is tied and 1 chamber (Montana House) is still undecided.
14. Bush is now a lame duck president. He will have no greater moment than the one he's having this week. It's all downhill for him from here on out – and, more significantly, he's just not going to want to do all the hard work that will be expected of him. It'll be like everyone's last month in 12th grade – you've already made it, so it's party time! Perhaps he'll treat the next four years like a permanent Friday, spending even more time at the ranch or in Kennebunkport. And why shouldn't he? He's already proved his point, avenged his father and kicked our ass.
15. Should Bush decide to show up to work and take this country down a very dark road, it is also just as likely that either of the following two scenarios will happen: a) Now that he doesn't ever need to pander to the Christian conservatives again to get elected, someone may whisper in his ear that he should spend these last four years building "a legacy" so that history will render a kinder verdict on him and thus he will not push for too aggressive a right-wing agenda; or b) He will become so cocky and arrogant – and thus, reckless – that he will commit a blunder of such major proportions that even his own party will have to remove him from office.
16. There are nearly 300 million Americans – 200 million of them of voting age. We only lost by three and a half million! That's not a landslide – it means we're almost there. Imagine losing by 20 million. If you had 58 yards to go before you reached the goal line and then you barreled down 55 of those yards, would you stop on the three yard line, pick up the ball and go home crying – especially when you get to start the next down on the three yard line? Of course not! Buck up! Have hope! More sports analogies are coming!
17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the candidate dubbed "The #1 Liberal in the Senate." That's more than the total number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore. Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for a trend it should be this – that so many Americans were, for the first time since Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has always been filled with evangelicals – that is not news. What is news is that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal. In fact, that's BIG news. Which means, don't expect the mainstream media, the ones who brought you the Iraq War, to ever report the real truth about Nov. 2, 2004. In fact, it's better that they don't. We'll need the element of surprise in 2008.
Feeling better? I hope so. As my friend Mort wrote me yesterday, "My Romanian grandfather used to say to me, 'Remember, Morton, this is such a wonderful country – it doesn't even need a president!'"
But it needs us. Rest up; I'll write you again tomorrow.
Michael Moore is an Academy award-winning filmmaker and author of "Dude, Where's My Country".
]]>